I have come to discover how much of a mistake it was to start to withdraw myself from people. It gets extremely lonely at times. I am not saying that one should always be around people, but a balance is needed. For a time I was getting frustrated because there was always someone looking for me or I was always with someone. I never really had a true balance of alone time and with people. It took some of it tolls.

Because of this I found myself trying to push away those I consider close to me. I was not going to tell them. Why would I? I was going to make it look as if time/distance and the busyness of life drew the closeness away.

I also began to question every one of my friends…well the close ones anyways…and some that are not close that I am around everyday. I questioned if we really are close or if I said we were because of a fondness (not a fondness as in I wanted to eventually date the person (speakin of the female sort)) or I wanted us to be close friends, and if they agreed only not to hurt my feelings or just agreed so there wouldn’t be any tension. I thought about my guy close friends. I decided that we do have a close friendship because of what we have been through in life. It grew to that not out of force but out of a friendship that was built and took time.

As for the female sort, this I began to question greatly. I have some female friends who have or had no desire for a relationship either at that time or in the near future. I feel for a couple of them I took advantage of that. I think I said certain things like, I felt like we were close friends or I considered them a close friend. I guess there isn’t something wrong with thinking someone is a close friend…what about if they do not think the same as you? Is there something wrong then? When I said I considered them as close friends, some would say oh of course we are or that they felt the same way. I question big time if they were just saying that to avoid something or to not make me feel bad.

Because they had no desire for a relationship I started saying things like, I like you a lot as a friend, or even possible I love you in Jesus. It was so easy to say. For a couple I did like them past a friendship, I used their non-desire as a cover up. I figured since they didn’t have a desire at the time for a relationship with someone then I could say things and they will take it as a friend saying it or like a brother was saying it to them. This is not the case for all of them but for maybe one or two several years ago. But I still questioned all of them. I am still quite uncertain about a couple of them.

As for sharing things in life. I wonder how much I should really share. I think it is fine for guys to share as much as they want with another dude. Absolutely nothing gay with that. as for sharing everything on his mind to a female…well…I have been thinking that maybe that female should just be his wife. I guess it should be alright for male friends and female friends to share as much as they want with the opposite sex…but how much is too much. I have agreed a while ago to openly share whats on my mind with a friend. I agreed, but the I wondered if I was sharing things off my mind that should only be talked about with another dude or if I had a wife. If I were to get married then every friendship I have with a female would change. Should the sharing of the deepest part of your mind be saved for a future companion? I have thought about stopping this sharing of my mind so openly…but…hmm perhaps an older persons point of view is needed on this subject.

On a completely different matter, I have been thinking about this whole marriage thing..and I have been thinking that it just might not be for me. I have been thinking a lot about the future and what I will be doing. The more I think about it the I find myself seeing myself as single and working the rest of my life. yeah I would love to have a lifetime partner, but at this point I really do not see myself having one. I took a look around me and I see different dudes having all these girls fall for them. I made a joke about it to a friend and he said that the girls with all the problems and baggage are falling for these guys and the guys they are falling for have a lot of issues and baggage. I thought about it and it was true. I remember back when some females would say they had a thing for me…they really didn’t have many issues and were not all that creepy. I have over heard some females saying they would rather “date” me then 99% of the guys they knew. I decided to recently ask them why they said that. They said because I wasn’t like most of the guys they knew. I have fun with life and don’t worry about a lot of the things other people do. They felt safe around me and even though I teased them (not meaning it to be mean) they felt for the most part I was a nice guy. Some of them said they wouldn’t ever consider me so I asked why not (again just out of curiosity) they said I was too kind and gentle a person for them. It didn’t seem normal to them. They felt that I have a standard so high they could not meet it. Also that I was viewed as a teachers pet, and I am completely oblivious to female flirtation and if a female does like me (which is 100% true) (there was more but I forgot). Then I decided to ask one of my friends why (not that I really care, I was just curious) females don’t chase after me. He said it was because I come off as weird and that I think too much. I laughed and asked because I think too much? He told me I was a logical thinker and think way too logically. I am extremely real with life and some females are scared of that. all I got from the weird part is some females just don’t like weird people…hmm..ok…well…don’t quite know what to say about that. I then asked my mom. (I wanted an older woman’s opinion) she said that I give off a vibe…I gave her a weird looked and asked “a vibe?” she said that I give off a vibe that I am not interested a females can sense that around me…I thought hmm…interesting.

I have come to the conclusion that I should just stop trying to think about a future marriage. Perhaps it is for me perhaps not. I would be fine and willing to live a single life but would be greatly saddened if I had to. Why do I feel drawn to a non single life…I don’t know? I feel if I don’t have the courage to ask a friend to be my future partner I will end up stayin single. I now know this fear is a fear of rejection. With all honesty I think it would be good for me to experience that rejection, but I really don’t want to. If I ask a female and she chose me as well and says no the first time…I would most likely not ask her again…perhaps if she were to say no we can only stay friends and “never “ be anything more then, I guess I shouldn’t ask again, but what if never is not said? Should I ask again…hmm…I guess I will have to wait and find out someday.

My chats with Jesus lately have been kinda hard. I have come to realize how much my pride has blinded me to things I do. Some do not seem real bad but they are not all that wise. Like when I am in a debate. I am finding now when I am in a debate I am usually trying to make the other person conform to my beliefs. It seems as if I do not debate to share ideas, defend my position. How about then showing the inconsistency in others beliefs in certain aspects of life? I guess that is something I fail to do as well. But the more I find inconsistency in other beliefs I am finding much more in mine. The more I am finding how ridiculous that people will attack the smallest matter in life, the more I make fun of or get frustrated with them. I get really frustrated when they do not see my point of view or conform to what I want them to see.

This whole people are not perfect thing is so easy to see in other people. I have looked at myself and have told myself that I am not as bad as most people. Jesus brought to my attention that if a friend were to lie, or talk poorly behind my back, or to put it in fewer words sin, then I would immediately change my view of them or try and withdraw them from my life. I have also done the same things that I have been frustrated with in other people. I had to admit what a hypocrite I have been.

As I think about those sexual dreams I had a while back I think I may have found the meaning. For the running away from something may be that I have been running trying to avoid admittance of my sin. For awhile it felt good to avoid it, just like physical closeness with a female. But after awhile and the thought of it, especially if not married to her, begin to way down. I keep running but it is still there. I begin to get scared and it seems as if everyone knows or can read my thoughts. The physical contact felt like release. Not admitting, holding back, and looking down at other people built up a stress. Perhaps this isn’t the true meaning of it but it is just a thought. (slightly jumbled but I know what I am talking about, just hard to explain in words).

What about that suicide part of those dreams. Cutting my wrists with a razor. Perhaps with not admitting to myself and others it was slowly killing me spiritually. I wasn’t feeling it physically except for while I was having the dreams. The people saying that it feels good and everyone is doing it was an excuse not to admit and come to certain realizations.

Accepting and admitting my faults has also made me start thinking about other people. The people who are not close to me, if they do something wrong to me I can easily forget about them and toss them aside like a dirty napkin. Jesus showed me I should forgive them. I have secretly lied to them and talked about some of them poorly so I have no right to toss them aside. Jesus has not done that to me no matter how many times we have a sparring match.

As for those who I consider close to me if I were to find they have lied to me or done something wrong and I found out my view would change about them. Instead of being there for them I would just push them away. I saw how cold and wicked my heart is.

I have different levels of friendship. Those who I never met are on the bottom, then those who I have met but rarely see, then those who I see everyday or talk to about random non important stuff so just acquaintances, then a true consideration of friendship when we hang out and talk more than just the average small talk, then close friends are those in which I share my personal thoughts and do more things with, the last level would be an intimate friendship. That one will be reserved for when I get married. With her I would share so much. She would have my life. Yes my life belongs to Jesus. It would be a shared relationship with Jesus and her.

With now a new acceptance of people when they do wrong has helped me with thinking about a possible future with whoever she is. For a while I had standards so high no female would come close. I had thoughts of a female that does not exist. I still have high standards but not as high as before. This whole looks thing…well…I have heard that looks are not important to females. I have heard and been told by females that they tend to look more at personality than looks. I began to think about that. My thoughts have mostly been on the physical looks of a female. I thought about having a wife that everyone would say WOW SHE IS HOT. But then I got thinking. Looks are not very important. They are somewhat important to me due to the fact that when I wake up in the morning I don’t want to get scared. I want to wake up and think that my wife is pretty, when we go out in public I want people to look at her and say she is pretty. I don’t want it to be a DUDE THAT GUY HAS A HOT WIFE and have their eyes pop out of their heads. I want it to be a she is pretty and then they get on with their lives. As for personality she has to be close with Jesus and encourage to do the same. As for everything else I guess I would have to chose based on things I do not know about her, I have to love her despite her faults, and based on things I do know about her; we would have to some things in common. But not so much that I cant continue learning about her when we are married.

One last note about the looks thing. I have seen some old females look pretty when they are old. I am talking about 80-90 year old women. Some had had health problems, others were close to dying and yet they still looked pretty. I asked about it and they told me it was their husbands. Their husbands treated them extremely well. They did have extreme low points and had huge challenges but over all their husbands treated them as they should have. I got thinking that with age beauty does leave, but perhaps only some beauty leaves if she is treated the right way. That’s how I want to treat her. I guess my next quest is going to find out how do I treat a woman like that especially in a biblical manner.

how would a male explain to someone what it ment to love Jesus?  when one thinks about it seems rather gay.  males loving each other.  i guess in today's world it would seem that way.  there were gay's in christ's time, but the meaning of love and saying you love a male to another male may have been taken a different way.  it has been established that there are many meanings of love. perhaps loving Jesus is a combination of different meanings to make a whole new definintion for us males.  this is what i have come up with through much thought and personal experience.